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Wednesday, 06 January 2010

A New Kind of Resolution


I spent the past weekend with my friend.  She and I celebrated New Years Eve together with many of our other friends, a low key "inviation only" party in a small campy cabin at the local lake. As we were gearing up for the evening a friend even mentioned that there seemed to be a lot of guys coming and not so many girls. He was kind of put out by this because if there were limited girls there were limited opportunities to score on the big night. In the end it was a pretty good time. We had a good mix of both genders there, although not many available ones.  My friend and I were pretty much the only two available girls there that night, the rest were either married or all but. (As we near the 30 mark this phenomenon is becoming more and more common and more and more unsettling!)    I am not going to write about our whole night, because that is not the point of the post but it does lead up to what I want to say. So to make it short:

1. Lots of alcohol was consumed.
2. Some asshat even jumped in the freezing lake.
3. My friend hooked up with the guy she has consistently had a thing for over the last 5 or so months.
4. I hooked up with my friend's out-of-town friend I had just met.
5. In all, it was a fun New Years.

So we had this great New Years Eve and we decided on New Years day to keep the fun rolling and to finish off the extra alcohol we had. So we loaded up my friends vehicle and the four of us went to spend the weekend at her place.

We had a good weekend. We played games (party games, video games) we jammed, we drank, we went and watched Avatar. At the end of Friday night I grabbed my Schulz biography and headed for the downstairs couch to get read and eventually get some sleep. My hook-up from the night before asked where I was going, said that was stupid when we could share a bed, so I shared. (I know, I know... SUCKER!)

So on Saturday night as she and I are consuming a large bottle of Sangria and cooking dinner we start talking about the guys--who are safely out of earshot in the downstairs room doing their thing. We ARE women and we had the big things in life completely covered: Wine, Food and Men (not listed in order of importance!)

So now we are completely wrapped up in the mystery of understanding guys. My trouble is my lack of one and her trouble is that her one seems like he is more into playing the field than becoming involved. We chatted on Saturday night, once we had parted company with the guys on Sunday we talked all the way home after jamming to some much needed Chick Music.

Last night we continued the conversation as we chatted on the phone. Naturally we turned to the Bible of Sex & Love.... Cosmo. We found a lot of-- well interesting and insightful things on the Cosmo website and things we didn't know were even possible. We had a few good laughs and a few revelations. One of the things we found as about making Relationship Resolutions in the New Year.: Relationship Resolutions to Make for New Year's. Cosmo.com recommended that women do the following twelve things in 2010:

1. Stop overanalyzing.
2. Quit the toxic guys.
3. Monitor your Twitter TMI.
4. Don't let him take over your iCal.
5. Set a new sex goal for 2010.
6. Bitch him out when he deserves it.
7. Leave the games for your Nintendo Wii.
8. Forget that other girl friend who may or may not be into him.
9. Banish this question from your brain: Where is this going?
10. Step away from his Facebook profile.
11. Lock your phone and change your passwords. (Think privacy)
12. Stop demanding perfection.

I look at this and I am reminded of all the downfalls we make as single-women. We do expect too much and we do play games. I for one and guilty of overanalyzing everything. If a guy texts me I practically obsess over what I should say back or if I should say anything at all. So this got me to thinking about what resolutions would I like to have in my love life in twenty-ten.
Relationship Resolutions: 2010
1. Go out on a date.

This may seem a little stupid and silly but I haven't had a date since my ex and I broke up 9 months ago. It is a little despairing and I am wandering into the realm of the "What is wrong with me?"
2. Don't give in to the temptation of the first hot guy who comes along.
Granted I am not a nun and I may not get dates but when I do hookup even my girlfriends are impressed by the level of attractiveness of the guy. But just because the guy is hot and shows a little interest doesn't mean I have to give in to temptation. Maybe if I just stopped the random hookup I would get something more substantial. But then again I could be left with nothing. Which leads me to my next goal...

3. Stop overanalyzing.
I need to chillax my thought process. I need to worry less about how I look, how I sound, what I say, when I should say it, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with him, etc. etc. etc. I need to just go with it. Life is what it is. Right?
4. Get confident.
I have confidence in my brains but when it comes to looks... well none. And I am not saying I am all about looks because to me when you find the guy you fit well with then looks become a secondary thing. I am talking about HOW I look to other people and no I do not want a guy who is into me solely on my looks, but I see myself as so unattractive that I don't see how anyone could be interested in me. In fact, I am so down on myself that I explained away the recent NewYear hookup by saying he really didn't have any choice but me, totally not getting the fact he could have chosen no one... or ignoring the fact that lots of people saw we were into each other and that we had hit it off and had lots in common. Yada-yada-yada. But it was ahookup and he lives hundreds of miles away. A weekend fling, no expectations and in fact that is partly what was so great about it...SO my final Relationship Resolution is this for Twenty-Ten:
5. Find a guy (close to home preferably) that I can:
A. Talk to      B. Laugh with          C. Am attracted to.
To me these are the 3 things that I must have in order to be interested in a guy. My Triple Crown so to speak. Hopefully I can find a guy like that who would like date me. And then I can sit back and let the rest of my resolutions unfold.

Do you have the answers the mystery of mankind? Or do you have your own relationship resolutions for the year Twenty-Ten?

Tuesday, 05 January 2010

Back together again

Unhappily Ever After:
Any beginning must follow the end of something. In life nothing just occurs without something preceding it. Life isn't a story book that has a beginning and an end, unless you consider birth and death and even that remain questionable. But life isn't about beginnings or even endings. Life is what comes after. It is what follows the unhappily ever after moment.
Picking Up:
Picking up the pieces is easy: you find some of your closest friends, preferrably one with a large pick-up truck and you haul your shit out of there. You may be nice enough to leave the toilet-paper behind on the roll, but then again you may be suffering from allergies or some other condition in which that single roll of toilet paper may come in handy. I have been told that taking that last symbolic roll is a perfect cure for the betrayed heart. So that's what I did. I packed up my things, all the broken pieces of my seven-and-a-half year relationship and I got out of there. (I did leave the toliet paper behind)
The Puzzle
So the pieces were picked up and some even packed away. But what next? How dow you go about putting the puzzle together when that one important piece is missing? I did everything and anything to just put it all together. I cried, a lot. I talked to my friends. I drank, a lot. I saw my doctor and was prescribed anxiety medicine (which helped in a lot of ways more than just a failed relationship). I tried to work things out. But I was angry. Hurt. Afraid. And finally I made friends, I made a life for myself and I found ME, along with some happiness.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger:
It was hard. I am not going to pretend even for one second that it was easy. It wasn't. I didn't have anywhere to live. I stayed with family until I found me an apartment in a nearby town. I used that space away to cry and to heal. Then I moved back to my hometown where I worked. But I was different, I had changed. I had friends now. I did things. I LAUGHED! I had forgot what it was like to really laugh and suddenly it became one of the most important things in my life. Friendship, laughter, happiness. I would miss him sure, but each day, each month it became easier.
Flying:
It has been about 9 months since I walked away. This time last year I spent my weekends picking up my live-in boyfriend from a friends' house that he had partied out the night at. Arguing and hitting the steering wheel as I drove home. Never admitting to anyone, not even myself, how much I was full of secret hate for this man that I said I loved. Everything was wrong. I didn't smile. I didn't laugh. I was so unhappy. So unhappy I was the only one who didn't see it. I was a great pretender. I didn't care about myself. My only thought was somehow making this relationship, that was so bad for me, last. Despite all the bad, I learned to fly.
"The shell must break, before the bird can fly," -tennyson
My shell broke but have I flown! I have friends and I have a life. And I laugh (you do not realize how important laughter is until you live without it). And now more than ever I know what I want in a man. I am considering new options, new avenues. I am no longer hemmed into a little niche that was created by a bad relationship. I can move away. I can meet new people. He (the past) hurried on and impregnated a girl and got engaged within six months of us going our different ways and while sometimes it hurts my heart, I feel as if I dodged a bullet and that now I can really live.
Found the frogs, but no Prince:
My life isn't perfect. I am lucky with friends. But finding someone isn't easy. I haven't had a single date. I have met people. I haven't spent all my nights alone (just most). But I have yet to meet a guy who is interested in me back. I know that someone is out there and given time I will stumble across that person who I can laugh with and live with everyday. And to honest, the men I have met aren't frogs. They are great guys who just happen to not be my "prince." I don't want a story book after all. I want a life.

What about you? Do you think that going through a break-up can make you a better person?

Currently
All Hope Is Gone
By Slipknot
Snuff
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Sunday, 03 January 2010

Un-

UN-

Broken life of shattered dreams,
Blackness filled with silent screams.
On the outside looking in,
Waiting for real life to just begin.
Fake smiles backed with phony laughter,
Living unhappily ever after.

Finding pieces, using glue.
Grasping happiness.
Clinging to you.

Untold story, unfelt shame.
No real winners in the lovers’ game,
Stepping carefully, I fall from grace.
As unshed tears streak my face.
Right or wrong, what’s done is done.
Nothing real, a toy gun-
Smoking barrel, empty rounds.
Broken silence without a sound.
Silken flowers wilt away,
An imaginary friend who will not play.
Playing dress up, just pretend.
Finish the game, begin again.
Saying yes but meaning no.
Stay on red but away we go.
Broken fences, whitewashed clean.
Life’s a mystery that remains unseen.
Swallow

How can I do it
Just swallow it whole
I keep believing in hope
It's just a fool's gold

I really don't want you
I really don't care
It's hard to keep thinking
The right one's out there.

I take so many chances.
I feed myself lies.
Another perfect kiss
From another wrong guy.

All my foolish hopes
Sprinkles of my dreams
I swallow it down
Greedy bites of need.
Still left so hungry,
Craving, Needing more.
Those tiny crumbs of love,
Doesn't fill me anymore.

I swallow it down.
Hook. Line and all.
Like some little fish.
A fool. So gullible.

Monday, 16 November 2009

IT

I thought I’d locked it
Deep inside of me
And thrown away the key
But it keeps creeping
In the shadows
Ready to swallow me.
It festers and it oozes
And it screams bitter hate
As it tries to devour me,
With an appetite I cannot sate.
I don’t want to let it out,
I want it caged away.
It’s a battle that I fight,
Every second of every day.
But lately I’ve been slipping,
Letting it slide right on through.
My bitterness is a disease
That I am spreading out to you.
My friends want to know what’s wrong,
I can’t make them understand,
It is because of it I am this way,
It’s consuming everything I am.
I don’t know how to defeat it,
I have tried everything I can.
I am sinking in its darkness,
In its world I shall be damned.